If this is you, then this question is probably keeping you up at night.
What’s worse is if you and your partner decide to stay together and rebuild the relationship…
It’ll be extremely difficult without knowing why the infidelity happened.
Because if you try to move on without understanding why it happened and fix it, what makes you think it won’t happen again?
That’s why the first thing I always focus on with every couple I work with is to find out EXACTLY why the cheater decided to stray.
Only then the real healing can begin.
Right now, I can’t give you the complete answer you’re looking for, but I can guide you to it.
This article I put together for you will help you:
- Understand the possible reasons why they cheated.
- And what can they do to fix it and prevent it from happening again.
I’m here to simply help you get the clarity you need. Then you can decide what to do next.
Cheating Happens for Only Two Reasons
Or they cheated because something in the relationship made them unhappy.
And it’s usually both. But not always. Take a look at the diagram below for reference.
This is when there’s no issue in the relationship but infidelity happens
This is when cheating due to the
relationship
Let’s start with when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship and yet infidelity happened.
Because in their eyes, everything checks out.
- Love and intimacy are high in the relationship.
- The couple are an amazing team.
- Everything about their life is intact.
Well, here’s your answer…
#1 Lack of Self-Imposed Boundaries
But will those boundaries continue to stand when one of you isn’t looking?
If not, then this is where the cheater thinks it’s okay to cheat as long as the partner doesn’t find out.
Even if you made it clear that you’ll actually leave them if they cheated, they’d still do it.
Not because they don’t love you. Not because they’re not afraid of losing you.
They can be so in love with you and terrified of you leaving them, but they’d still cheat.
Simply because they lack the moral code of commitment.
To a cheater, a secret affair is something completely separate from their life.
They treat it as an isolated event or a series of events if they’re a serial cheater.
That’s why some cheaters don’t feel guilty.
This is where shady coworker entanglements happen… where “I’ll cheat just this once” with somebody they just met… or “It just happened, I don’t know why I did it.”
In other words, they need to develop solid self imposed boundaries and have the self-respect that stops them from cheating regardless of the temptation to cheat.
And speaking of self-respect, a cheater can also cheat because of…
#2 Self-esteem Issues
It doesn’t matter how important you make them feel.
Because low self-esteem is like a black hole that welcomes validation from everybody.
So when a spouse suffers from this, they can be prone to cheating with whomever makes them feel attractive and desirable.
Especially if it feels new and exciting.
In this case, the cheater has to find a way to get rid of low self-esteem issues.
They need to take a deep dive in their conscious self and find out what caused them to have this issue.
But there’s an even deeper issue to why cheaters cheat.
#3 Unresolved Trauma
This is where things get complicated.
Some cheaters have solid boundaries with impeccable confidence.
But somewhere along the line, they end up cheating on their spouse because of a psychological reaction.
This happens to people who did not heal old wounds properly which leads to trauma.
So when their traumatic episode kicks in, it makes them act irrationally.
Some indulge in addictions, while other become cheaters (I was both)
There’s so much to talk about in cases like this, but this article isn’t enough to cover everything.
But if you believe this is what could’ve caused cheating in your relationship, then I encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me and I’ll gladly help you.
Now, we can now talk about why cheating happens when there’s an unresolved issue with the relationship.
Cheating is the sole responsibility of the cheater even if the betrayed contributed to it.
Because it doesn’t matter how bad things are in the relationship, cheating is never the solution.
It only makes things worse.
When a couple doesn’t work on fixing issues in their marriage, it’s only a matter of time before bad consequences come knocking.
The couple will either have a divorce, or stay together and resent each other which will most likely lead to cheating.
With that being said, here are the relationship issues that can lead to infidelity.
Cheating is the sole responsibility of the cheater even if the betrayed contributed to it.
Because it doesn’t matter how bad things are in the relationship, cheating is never the solution.
It only makes things worse.
When a couple doesn’t work on fixing issues in their marriage, it’s only a matter of time before bad consequences come knocking.
The couple will either have a divorce, or stay together and resent each other which will most likely lead to cheating.
With that being said, here are the relationship issues that can lead to infidelity.
#1 Falling out of Love
The biggest danger to any relationship is when the couple lose the love they once had.
It can happen when the couple stop seeking intimacy and spending quality time together.
It doesn’t matter if both are busy with their careers, focusing on the kids, or anything else.
If you do not water your plants regularly, they’ll dry up and die.
And the same thing will happen to love.
This is where the cheater starts searching for someone to fill that emotional void.
In fact, they don’t even need to look for it, because if someone walks into their life and makes them feel special again, cheating will most likely occur.
At that moment, the cheater feels excited. Their emotions are alive again.
They have a new person to love.
This is what they call emotional affairs. They’re the hardest to stop.
If your relationship is suffering from an emotional affair and you & your spouse are trying to fix it..
Chances are you’re having a huge difficulty when you talk about the affair and anything can trigger you.
If that’s the case, I have a great piece for you about How to Let Go of Triggers.
Moving on to the second most common cause for infidelity which is…
#2 Neglect
So when a spouse is constantly neglected emotionally & physically…
What will they do?
When a cheater is not satisfied with what they’re receiving, they can become tempted to look elsewhere.
This type of cheater didn’t fall out of love with their partner. They’re likely still in love.
But their desire for intimacy is too strong to resist.
And if someone else makes them feel special again, it’s hard for the cheater to stop it.
Affairs that happen because of neglect are difficult to end as well.
Because the cheater is afraid to fall back into that emotionally deprived state they were in before.
So the cheating partner has to be determined, motivated, and ready to be held accountable for their actions.
Or they’ll wind up cheating again.
When I work with couples in similar situations to this, I always make sure I do my absolute best to bring back their intimacy.
You see, when a couple finds genuine attraction again, and begin to proactively spend more time together…
The betrayed spouse will feel safe again and heal while the cheater no longer needs anybody else outside the relationship.
However, cheating doesn’t always happen because of lack of love & intimacy.
A cheater will also cheat because they’re…
#3 Using Cheating as an Escape
But shattering your partner’s heart just to forget about your problems for a short while is definitely a big NO.
That still doesn’t prevent a lot of partners from doing it, unfortunately.
In my experience, when a couple has a lot of problems that result in:
- A lot of fights without proper resolution.
- Nit-picking and constant hurtful criticism.
- Resentful thoughts that pile up.
There can be a risk of infidelity happening.
The cheater cheats in this case because they want to get away from all the problems.
And find someone they feel at peace with which allows them to be themselves without fights and judgment.
This couple’s biggest problem is healthy communication.
Ironically, everybody talks about healthy communication but very few people actually use it.
Even if the couple was able to heal the wounds of betrayal and rebuild trust again, it simply won’t work.
Unless they master how to communicate properly.
So there you have it dear reader.
If you think I missed out on a reason that leads to infidelity, you can leave me a message in my official social media account
Or if you relate to one or more of these reasons and you’re looking for professional help..
You can check out your 30 day transformation journey to heal your relationship and Thrive Beyond Infidelity.