Why does being betrayed hurt so bad? And why do our brains keep reminding us of it?
One of the most common emails I receive are from betrayed spouses who can’t get through a day without being submerged in the fact their partner cheated on them. They’re heartbroken.
They write words like “we’re working on fixing our marriage” or “I want to trust my spouse again” but all I really hear is “I’m trying hard but I’m in so much pain.”
Although I believe couples can recreate a healthier marriage after infidelity, the stages of pain the betrayed partner goes through make it seem unworthy of even trying.
Nonetheless, I’ve helped many hopeless cases and are now having the best marriage they can hope for.
But all of that comes at a price. The unfaithful needs to change and the betrayed needs to genuinely heal.
The biggest part of the healing process is letting go of the triggers that remind you of the infidelity.
Even if you can’t, you learn how to not let them affect you.
But when they do, your partner must be there to support you.
The pressing question right now is how can you start letting go of those agonizing triggers?
I mean a word from your spouse can remind you of the texts you’ve read. Even seeing a specific color can remind you of what their affair partner was wearing.
But our focus is not going to be stopping these triggers, because you can’t. They come and go as they please.
Instead, we’ll focus on how you can evolve beyond them to a point where they can no longer affect you the way they do now.
Every Loss Makes You Lose a Part of You
These relationships aren’t necessarily about people. It can be a relationship with your career or favorite activity.
For example, I enjoy playing with my cat and people define me as a cat person based on the relationship I have with my pet.
But if I suddenly stop doing that, people that are close to me would notice that something within me changed.
As if I’m not the cat loving person I used to be.
The same principle applies when your partner betrays you. The only difference is the damage caused is too immense to bear.
Because our relationships with people not only give our lives meaning, it defines our understanding of ourselves.
And when our loved ones decide to be with someone else, we lose a big chunk of who we are.
We feel less valuable as a person because we lost our sense of importance and value.
That’s where it cripples your identity. Some become angry, others go numb. But the truth is all betrayed partners feel nothing but pain.
- The healthy response a person should have after experiencing infidelity is the desire to reconstruct themselves after accepting what happened.
- The unhealthy response is refusing to accept what happened. And cling to the past with every ounce of life energy you have.
And if you lose that, you lose yourself. That’s why many people cannot let go.
That’s where triggers are the most intense.
But how can we teach ourselves to let go of triggers when they seem almost impossible to heal?
To do that we have to understand a very simple idea. It’s understanding the difference between..
Healthy VS Toxic Relationships
- A toxic relationship is when both partners are emotionally dependent on each other – that is, When you allow your partner to dictate who you are as a person. Meaning they’re the ones giving you respect and value instead of giving them to yourself.
- A healthy relationship is when both partners are emotionally independent with each other – that is, your partner respects and values you because you respect and value yourself.
And when you use your partner to dictate your value and they end up cheating on you…
You start to question your worth. “Was I not enough?” “what did their affair partner give them that I didn’t?”
But if you made sure that your value is exclusively defined by you alone, your reaction to their infidelity would be completely different.
You’ll expect them to show guilt, remorse, change, and give you a really damn good reason to stay.
But if your unfaithful partner starts to blame you for their actions because ‘being with you is no longer exciting.’ Then your healthy response should be:
“Take responsibility for your actions.”
We talked about how unhealthy it is for you to allow anybody to define your value and respect.
Let’s clarify why your partner decided to cheat and why you shouldn’t lower your value because of it.
A toxic partner would go out and find intimacy and excitement outside their marriage not because you no longer satisfy them. It’s because they needed a random person to fulfill their insecure feelings about themselves.
I was personally one of them, but thankfully, I changed.
They think they “deserve” to feel something new again, and ultimately, it’s the betrayed fault that they strayed.
But in reality, a healthy partner would simply mention something like, “I miss those nights where it felt like we were melting into each other’s arms, don’t you?”
Healthy partners don’t say romantic things like this because they’re romantic. They say this because they understand that relationships can evolve, and you can continue to find new levels of intimacy not so many couples were able to discover.
So to summarize everything in simple sentences:
- You keep having triggers of infidelity because you let your partner define your value instead of defining it yourself.
- Your partner didn’t cheat because you were less worthy. They cheated to fulfill their insecurities. Then blamed you for it.
I hope you leave this page with a better understanding of what you should do next in your healing journey.
But I do encourage you to further read why your partner cheated.
And if you’re interested in getting professional help for you & your spouse to help create a real healthy marriage after infidelity, you can check out my 30 day Thriving Beyond Infidelity program.